Welcome To My Depression

Social Issues Jun 06, 2024 Barry Rosenberg

I’m writing this in the midst of a deep, horrific depressive episode. This doesn’t happen all that much anymore. Though I’ve been a depressive all my life, 95 percent of the time I’m now able to manage it. Meditation, aerobic exercise, gardening, reading, writing. Oh, and living on a seven-mile ocean beach is a pretty sweet factor as well. But when it hits, when the black, rock-hard comet comes out of nowhere and clobbers the hell out of me, no guided missile is gonna knock this alien celestial intruder off its path.

It blind-sides me, whacks me off my pins. Upon recognition, I quickly climb off my knees and scurry into hibernation, stuffing my normal cheery attitude and silly-arse quips in a drawer until the all-clear signal says it’s safe to crawl out. Except when it digs in this deep when even my dreams are as ghastly as my wakened state thoughts, I become convinced this is the big one, and coming out, ever, will not be an option.

My friends, many of whom pop an assortment of prettily-hued quack pills to keep their balancing acts afloat, see Barry as a positive, self-assured fella. Which I suppose I am, most of the time. But when the shit hits my fan like now, I’m convinced I’m a wholly useless sham, a complete discredit to the species I’ve been granted membership.

Being a purist, I do no drugs to combat the intruder, nor drink or weed to stave off its repugnant countenance. Meaning my rampant-running thoughts comprise a series of gifs from the past. Things I said, things I did, things I didn’t say or do but should have. ‘Remember the time –!’ my mind screams at me. Truly, I’m an awful sort, totally unworthy of all the wonderful things I’ve been given in life. Guilt wraps its long mottled liver-spotted fingers around my throat, threatening the final squeeze.

I’m a total mess. I drop things, spill things, bump into things, and knock them over. Yesterday I placed a bookmark in my present read and carried it into the kitchen while I grabbed a nosh. And the book disappeared. Just... vanished. I combed every room, twice, three times. I finally found it late last night. In the fridge.

This morning I decided to trust myself and drive into town. Having driven in this country since 1980, I now open the left side front door of the ancient Ford Laser, the American side, and am about to slide in, momentarily panicking that the steering wheel has been pinched.

I try meditation. Well of course I do. I’ve done a daily practice for 50 years and taught this simple, effective technique for relaxing and focusing the mind to thousands across the world. But when I try it during a crash, it’s like innocently strolling down the street and suddenly a gang of snarling toughs appear and begin coming for me. Barrynoia.
To add to my gun-metal mood, it’s been raining the past few days. The rain will stop and I walk out to the beach or climb on the old 12-speed to go for a pedal, and immediately it begins to piss down again like I’m living in an old Abbott & Costello vaudeville routine.

Despite the rain, I step out into the garden with a hand saw to cut away branches that long ago quit leafing. I call it ‘passatempo’, passing time doing a physical activity where I’m forced to focus my scarily confused mind. As I saw away – and no matter where I stand, which direction I’m facing, sawdust blows in my eyes – I can’t help but reflect how the act mirrors my entire existence: dead wood cutting away dead wood. Except tools for excising my useless emotional bits are no longer stocked at the local hardware.

As I saw and stacked the branches, I felt a lightening of spirit beginning to wash away my days-long pathetic self-pity. Can it be? Can my unwanted visitor be growing bored with my company and is making ready to head off down the road, and like past such encounters with my devils this current tumult will end, and in a day or two I won’t even recall the purgatory I’m presently going through?
Back inside, I put on a fire. I do this daily the two or three times a year my ugly nemesis shows up, and though the days are presently warmish this is a high-alert emergency, and the fire serves to somewhat soothe the savage beast.

So if on the hottest day of the year, you pass my place and notice smoke coming out the chimney, either I’m on another spectacular downer or I’ve finally amassed enough votes to become New Zealand’s first Jewish pope.

 

Unpacking the Impact of Mental Health Awareness: Could It Be Making Things Worse? Social Issues Unpacking the Impact of Mental Health Awareness: Could It Be Making Things Worse? A new study called "A Closer Look at the Mental Health Awareness Effect" delves into the potential consequences of recent campaigns aiming to shed light on mental health issues. Researchers Lucy Foulkes and Jack L. Andrews suggest that these campaigns, while trying to help, might actually be part of the reason why more people are reporting mental health problems. Read Top 5 Natural Foods Proven to Boost Mental Health Social Issues Top 5 Natural Foods Proven to Boost Mental Health In recent years, science has linked several natural foods to improved mental health and well-being. Here’s a breakdown of five powerful foods and the science behind their mood-boosting effects. Read Project: You Are Loved - The 2000km Walk for Suicide Prevention PoliticsEnvironmentSocial IssuesCulture Project: You Are Loved - The 2000km Walk for Suicide Prevention Meet the woman walking 2000km from Bluff to Cape Reinga. Spreading her message of Mental Health Awareness and Suicide Prevention, Rebecca Kylie Jacobs will be taking the first steps of her massive journey from Stirling Point on February 13th 2020. Read The drugs don’t work, they just make you worse Social Issues The drugs don’t work, they just make you worse Paris Williams, a psychologist, challenges conventional views on mental health and psychosis in his groundbreaking book "Rethinking Madness," advocating for a paradigm shift in understanding and treatment. Through insightful research and case studies, he demonstrates that embracing struggles rather than masking them with quick fixes may lead to profound transformation and full recovery. Read New Zealand’s Drinking Culture and the Shadow It Casts on Mental Health Social Issues New Zealand’s Drinking Culture and the Shadow It Casts on Mental Health Alcohol, long considered a social cornerstone in New Zealand, has once again come under scrutiny, this time sparked by comments from mental health advocate Mike King. King suggested that, in some cases, alcohol may have prevented individuals from taking their own lives by numbing overwhelming distress. Read How it feels to be a loving but emotionally incompetent man Social IssuesCulture How it feels to be a loving but emotionally incompetent man I’m one of the lucky ones. As a therapist, I see the usual outcome of childhood trauma: broken relationships and lifelong emotional difficulties. The stories shared in a recent documentary about the emotional impact of English boarding schools, ‘Boarding on Insanity’, reminded me of my own experiences and prompted me to share my learning. Read
Help Us Help Others!

Your donations are incredibly important for us, and enable us to use our initiatives to help our fellow Kiwis.

Donate today
Join Our Newsletter

For the latest news and projects, keep up-to-date with our newsletter. We promise not to spam you; we get enough of that ourselves!